This idea is courtesy of YouTuber ArielBissett (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_2UxYi8fOA) but I can’t do YouTube videos because technology and I don’t like each other much. I can do word and chrome about 80% of the time. But it was really fun to watch her so we are going to do this in writing! If you don’t know how this works there are hypothetical situations where a book must be sacrificed for the greater good and you have to choose which books you are going to destroy. DISCLAIMER: this is not meant as an offence to anyone’s tastes. Feel free to disagree in fact I would love it if you did! Discussions are so fun!
1. Zombies are attacking the world and you are hiding out in a bookstore. Suddenly an announcement comes on that the army has discovered the Zombies weakness and it is over hyped books. Which book do you go grab as a weapon?
Oh I am going to get so much hate for saying this but The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. Everyone loves this book. I cannot tell you how many people (both male and female) told me to read this book. And I did. And I still have people telling me to read it. I DON’T GET IT! It is so predictable. By the time we meet Augustus I knew he was going to die. I knew they were going to have their little romance and we were all going to be scared that she would die and there would be a few close calls but in the end, he was the one who was going to die first. I could forgive it for being predictable because a lot of love stories are. That’s how they work. But the dialogue was awful! All those really “deep” quotes that everyone uses, if you think about them really aren’t that great! “That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.” Good. Good. Thank you for clearing that up for me. I’ve been wondering what the hell pain was for. You know if we didn’t feel pain that would defeat the freaking purpose! Guess what? Food demands to be tasted! Water demands to be wet! I can do it too! What, we aren’t stating the obvious? Oh. Example 2: “My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.” Comparing your thoughts to stars? Could you sound more pretentious? In a book that is dealing with life and dying and Hazel says several times that she is just a mutation this just doesn’t fit! And the dialogue BETWEEN Hazel and Augustus was so painfully unbelievable and un-romantic it burned my eyes. And the characters themselves were awful. I didn’t care about them at all! They were too damned perfect. I could not feel anything for them because they weren’t real! And, worse yet, THEY ARE THE SAME! And don’t give me some “soul-mate” crap. They talk the same, act the same, they are the exact same character only one is a girl the other is a boy. The mark of a skilled writer is being able to write differently for each character and not make them sound the same. And don’t say it’s a tribute to sick kids because no one talks like these characters do! NO ONE! Sick or not! Are there some witty, smart-ass terminally ill kids? Probably! But you know what? If you had less than a month to live I doubt you would be all ironic and metaphorical. That sounds like one hell of a luxury that terminal children (hell, terminally ill people) probably can’t afford. Everything in this book sound like it was written to impress an audience. It’s so metaphorical all. The. Time. And PEOPLE JUST DON’T TALK LIKE THAT! Least of all teenagers! It is not real. The reason people might cry over it is merely because of one single reason: primal fear of death. It scares the shit out of any one! Deny it if you want, but it’s true! The idea of dying, or losing someone you love is going to make you upset. And doing that takes no damned talent! Anyone can write a story about a death of a child and people will cry. Then John Green forced it on you every 20 seconds. Like he’s screaming at you through the page, “CRY! LOOK HOW SAD IT IS! THE ANGUISH!” Back to the book sacrifice:
2. You have just left the hair salon and you have a beautiful, expensive hair do. Suddenly, it’s pouring rain! What sequel in a series do you grab to use as an umbrella?
Crossed by Ally Condie. I have never been so disappointed by a sequel in my life. This book was a waste of my time. I have a nice rant about it in a book chat so go read that so we don’t have another long paragraph like above.
3. You are sitting in an English lecture and your professor is going on and on about this classic that changed the world and defined modern literature, blah, blah, blah. And you are going insane sitting there because you know that this classic really isn’t that great. So you get so frustrated that you take the classic and you throw it at your professor. What is that classic?
The Lord of the Flies by William Golding. This book is supposed to say a lot about human nature and how terrible we are and it’s so meaningful, etc., etc. I hated this book. It was so damned boring. There are twelve chapters, by chapter 6 the most suspenseful thing that had happened was the fire went out. Then it just gets really fucking creepy where the children start worshiping a pig’s head on a stick, this pig’s head is called the lord of the flies. (PS: if you ever have a test on this: Lord of the Flies = Beelzebub. There you’re golden for the test.) Then the one good child on the island gets killed after hearing the pig head talk. How? The other children ate him. Want to know how it ends? The set fire to the forest and an American Naval officer finds them and they all start crying. This book is awful and incredibly boring and all it says about humanity as that essentially we are all doomed and if you are a good person you get crushed.
4. You are in a library and suddenly an ice age hits! Your only chance for survival is to burn books. What book do you immediately run to get to burn and not feel a shred of guilt about it?
Tris and Liz or Liz and Tris sadly I cannot tell you who it is by. I don’t remember it was two years go that I read it. This book is honestly so bad that at one point they have to fight a giant sea serpent and I was pulling for the serpent, just to end the book. But I have another one for you too: The Chrysalids by John Wyndham. This is another “classic” that we had to read in school. Did I ever hate this book! The ending is the worst ever! What was he thinking!!?! “Shit my deadline is tomorrow and the hockey game is on in 30 minutes! How can I end this? Ummm…so yeah ummm… they all get trapped in poisonous nets….except like 4 main kids….and ummm… yeah then some people come in a helicopter and like take them to New Zealand. Seems Legit.” What the hell?! After a whole book of build up, they have this giant battle in which everyone was kill except for maybe 4 children and THEN THEY GET TAKEN TO NEW ZEALAND BY HELICOPTER (Technology that wasn’t seen in the rest of the book)! Really? That’s how your chose to end it?
So those are my book sacrifices! That is it for me today! Bye Everyone!
EDIT: the afore book is called Tris & Izzie by Mette Ivie Harrison